Woke up this morning after a really bad dream... told myself id update, no matter my mood when it came to it, so here i am

 

And yes i remember the dream... not something you forget... but also, not somethign i want to exactly share with the world at lasrge...

 

Life has been treating me allright if you look at it well enough... ive made it a point to stay a head above my problems, to sit and smile even through the worst of it. Im not saying its the end of the world for me, i just feel myself 'wearing thin' you might say *chuckles* saying that makes me think of bartimeaus...

 

if you want the list of problems, then i guess i could throw them at you, in order that i think of them of course:
clutch is quite nearly fried on my car (AKA im out 700$ not including labor when i fix it)
im working 60-70 hours a week now, which means little to no time to see anyone
Not happy with my relationship(s)
havent seen my daughter in... *sigh* time slips me...
Ian downplays my attemtps to be even just a freind to the mother of my daughter
and she finds it dificult to talk to me (doesnt help she isnt the "hey lets call ___" type)

okay, starting with the clutch; simple enough, i put it in gear, press the gas anythign more than a mild acceleration and the car almost free-revs. This equals bad because as time passe the situation will get worse AKA i put it in 1st gear and the car acts like its in nuetral because well... there is nothing atatching the engine to the transmission.

 

Working; blah... no one likes work unless your insane, an idiot, or one of the lucky NONE OF US that got exactly what they wanted when they picked 'marine zoologist' from the big list of careers when we where 8.
*sigh* but i cant down play it too much, at least pizza hut has a few intristing people, Larissa still hasnt dropped by *shakes fist* but meh, its betterwhen she does out of the blue anyways :P

 

Relationships; *sigh* it goes like this, emotionaly im rather null right now, when im not working im resting, when im not resting im wishing i was, and when im with Kat, all i can think about is my baby... She is putting some stock into what relationship we have and im not ready to return it, i can smile, i can cuddle, i can talk and i can hang out, but my heart isnt there, so its hard for me.

 

Elyza; i can never get to see her enough. I was an idiot the first few monthsof her life, confused the next few, and didn't know what to do until now. Now i just want to see her, something about her innocent smile empowers me, those pure eyes, that cute smile. Every ounce of her brings a sort of fufilment to me even if she hardly knows my face... She is mine, and i love her more than the world, and she has nothing to do in return for that.

 

Ian; *sigh* i try and be hopefull, ive had to be the lastfew months, but the defeatistin me hangs on every hint when he says it... I love my daughter, and i love her mother, ive accepted that there is a 98% chance of us never being on the same level again, but when he says it isnt worth it, it means something. He is a brother to me, and when he says that i need to turn my back to 3 years of my life, well... its hard to resist telling him he can go fuck himself... I may only ever win a hug from her, maybe a rare kiss on the cheek, ive accepted that. Don't tell me i should walk away from a freind like that unless you are said person...

 

Larissa; *sigh* hard to be honest with this topic, seeing as she will be one of the three people to imediatly read this. But here goes: We have reached edgy ground, like a wound that has finaly scabbed over. It's hard to breath around her without a subject that doesnt want to be discused comes up... I guess its part of being freinds post a break-up, but i think im caught between a swift kick in the ass and being a good freind to her... I think she is still worried of my motives, i imagine something to the extent of me trying to pry in between her and jhovy, but i cant say its much there anymore... She is happy, or at least happier, and she deserves it. Either way, i talk to every one of my freinds (with acception of maybe brit, but thats conditional) more than her, so blah...

 

 

 

Well enough of that... the pyramids egypt whern't built by people who moped around. Anyone who ever did anything worth anything in their life sucked it up and carried on. So shut your damn mouth shaun and take it in stride....

You will fix your car and she will purr in thanks, and scream for you when you push her to the limit...

So what your working more than your breathing, your making money which smooth the wheels of life for you and your daughter, look; you can buy her anything now without creating a complex saving plan thatinvolves an over abundance of ramen, yo uare doing good nouw, you are PROVIDING, you are being a good father

 

Relationships come and go, as they say, its the freinds that are eternal, so stick with it, take what you need, and breath, thats all you can do, just dont gettoo attached, your not ready to get burned again.... (no offence rissa, i dont mean that as a stab)

 

So what you dont see your daughter as much as you like? it isnt yourfault, it isnt her mother's fault, so dont transfer the blame to EITHER of you, it happens, and as time passes as long as you keep trying it will get better. So keep trying, you saw the way shesmiled at you on sunday? she KNOWS who you are, she KNOWS your bond to her, and she KNOWS your differant than everyone else (save mom) who holds her, because YOU do it with a level of care they cant understand

 

So what? Ian is concerned about you, he feels a way with a differant person and therefore since you are in similar cirtumstances places his emotions on you. You are differant from him, he may be right in the end, it might be the 'healthy' thing to do, but it isnt the right thing for you... Right and healthy are two ENTIRELY differant things

 

Larissa is busy, she has a baby to care for, and however common and easy that excuse is, its probably right 80% ofthe time, look at it this way, over the last 6-10 months youve been conceeded, stubborn, ignorant, rude, blind, and just straight deceitfull to her. She finds it hard to talk to you because she never knows when your collors will change again, when the NEXT time you are going to go south and try and drag her with you. Anyways, she has her new boyfreind to pay attention to, you know what happens in that first "its nice because its new" thing, she deserves that, you know it... Who cares if it lasts, it isnt like she will come running to you if it doesnt, but you will BE there for her, wont you?

BE there,
BE a father,
BE strong...

 

 

*chuckles* its sorta sad when you have to give YOURSELF pep talks :P